


Missed Connections

by Nylazor



Series: The Adventures of Cal Amell [24]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Bi-Curiosity, Kissing, M/M, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Transgender
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-06
Updated: 2019-01-06
Packaged: 2019-10-05 07:38:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17320775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nylazor/pseuds/Nylazor
Summary: Cal talks to Cullen about their shared past.Cal lives AU!





	Missed Connections

**Author's Note:**

> Unedited unbetad
> 
> Cal is afab non-binary, he transformed from ftm, his dead name is Coleen.

Coleen… no! Cal! Cal! How would she ever hope to get people to call her by the right name if she kept getting her own name wrong. 

 

Cal stared at Templer Cullen, he looked dashing in that armour, and he was always so kind. Cal bit his lip, he wanted to… he didn't know what he wanted! But he knew it involved Cullen. Cullen had shown interest in him, but after he transformed into his new body, the interest seemed to have disappeared. Cal shook his head, he should be doing homework! He bent his head to study the words. It was a shield spell, it needed a lot of concentration, and frankly, with Cullen around that was impossible.

 

He put the book under his arm and made his way in front of Cullen.

 

“Ah, Coleen, how can I help you?” 

 

Cal squinted in distaste. “Cal, remember?”

 

Cullen look a bit surprised but he nodded. “That's right, my apologies, Cal, how can I help you?”

 

Uh oh Cal hadn't really thought ahead. Think, think, think! “How do you like our circle?”

 

Cullen smiled ruefully. “It's my first assignment, so I have nothing to compare it to, but it's, nice I suppose.”

 

Cal nodded and bit his lip. “What do you think of my new body?” Cal twirled.

 

Cullen examined him, glancing up and down. “It doesn't look that different from the old one, you just don't have breast, right?”

 

Cal raised his hackles. “That's because I have clothes on!” Before he realized what he said and blushed.

 

Cullen blushed too, ducking his head. 

 

“I didn't mean… I mean… I meant that…” Cal panicked stumbling over his words.

 

“No it's fine, Col- I mean Cal. You should return to your studies.” Cullen said.

 

Cal nodded sadly.

 

***

 

**13 years later**

 

***

 

“Thank you for inviting me Inquisitor, I will do my best to assist you.”

 

“I need you to meet my advisors, they do most of the work.” The Inquisitor laughed.

 

Cal smiled ruefully. “I know that feeling, Inquisitor, you get all the glory but your comrades do a lot of the work.”

 

“Call me Zakir,” The Inquisitor, no, Zakir, gestured them forward.

 

They walked together down the halls of the castle, Cal had heard it was in ruins when the Inquisition started, considering, it was remarkably put together. The came to a large door and Zakir opened it with ease.

 

“You know Spymaster Leliana, don't you?” Zakir pointed.

 

Cal smiled and nodded.

 

“Inquisitor, Warden Commander.” Leliana curtsied.

 

Cal opened his mouth to tell her she didn't need to do that when he heard Zakir's next words.

 

“And Commander Cullen, wow, two commanders, hope you agree.” Zakir joked.

 

Cal whipped his head to stare. Cullen. He felt heat rise to his cheeks just thinking of his foolish youth. Cullen was staring at him just the same.

 

“Cullen?” Cal asked.

 

Zakir frowned. “Do you two know each other?”

 

“No.” 

 

“Yes.”

 

Cal glared at Cullen, before folding his arms and glancing away.

 

Cullen cleared his throat. “Why yes, Cal was my charge at the Ferelden circle, he also rescued me from abominations when it was overrun.” He pointedly looked away from Cal.

 

Zakir smiled with uncertainty. “Well that's great, then. Um, Ambassador Josephine.” He nodded.

 

“Inquisitor, Warden Commander.” Josephine curtisied as well, however Cal's eyes were fixed on Cullen, drinking in every detail.

 

***

 

It was miraculous, Cal thought, as the meeting concluded that Cullen had gone the entire session without even looking in Cal's direction, even when he was speaking  directly to him. His eyes were always fixed on something else, the other advisors, Zakir, the map, his papers.

 

As Zakir called the meeting to a close, Cal raised his voice before Cullen could escape. “Commander Cullen, would you mind if we talked after.”

 

Cullen flinched but Zakir laughed. “Oh yeah! You guys should catch up!”

 

“Very well, Commander, you may come to my office.” Cullen said, somehow managing to still not look at him.

 

Zakir, gestured to the other advisors to follow him and they slowly left the room, leaving the two commanders alone.

 

Cal slowly crept up to the skittish man. Cullen determinedly staring at his papers. Cal took his face in his hand, he stroked the scar on Cullen's lip.

 

“If I knew this would scar, I would have healed it.” Cal murmured, Cullen was staring at the floor, Cal could barely see his eyes under his lashes.

 

“You didn't… you didn't have to. I… I would have refused anyway, back then, I was so paranoid.”

 

Cal took his hand back. “Is it me? Do I terrify you so?”

  
  


“No! I just…” Cullen had glanced up and there they were, the green eyes that he had fallen in love with, the cute button nose, the chestnut hair.

 

But it was different, Cal had a beard for one, and his hair was shaved on the sides, his hair was shoulder length but tied back in a severe ponytail. And his eyes, they were so strict, there was a hardness to them that wasn't there before. Not to mention Cal's posture, straight back, head up, chin out. He'd filled out as well, lean muscle, but muscle all the same, he looked ready to fight. And Cal's hands, they were tough, and calloused. Cullen remembered Coleen from the circle, blushing, ducking her head, always apologizing. They were like completely different people. Cullen supposed this is what war did to people. 

 

Seeing Cullen meet his eyes, Cal smiled. Ah, there it was, the same smile. Sad, yet warm, it didn't quite reach his eyes, even now.

 

“I suppose I'm ashamed of what I did back then, what I said.” Cullen frowned.

 

Cal tilted his head a fraction. “Do you still believe that now? Surely not, Zakir is a mage, I can smell it off him, even if the staff weren't right there.”

 

“Of course not! I was foolish! Mages are humans! They should be overseen, but not caged.”

 

Cal smirked, he leaned forward so their foreheads were touching. And it was if nothing had changed, Cullen's heart was in his throat and Cal's green eyes were right there, and despite everything, he wanted to kiss him. “I don't think that's why you were avoiding me.”

 

Cal pressed their lips together, Cullen heard himself moan, Cal's lips were different than he imagined, hard and chapped, but it was what he had dreamed of, all those years ago.

 

Then Cal tilted his head and Cullen felt the scratch of his beard and Cullen pulled back. “I… I don't like men.” He blurted.

 

Cal was staring at him, they were still so close Cullen could feel his breath. “I know.” Cal leaned back and Cullen had to resist tilting back towards him.

 

Cal closed his eyes for a moment before opening them with a tired smile. He turned and walked around the war table, occasionally picking up pieces before delicately placing them back. “Do you believe in different worlds?”

 

Cullen blinked. “You mean, a world the Maker did not create? That's blasmphy.”

 

“I don't believe in the Maker, Cullen. I did once. I thought he blessed me with magic, then cursed me, then I noticed no matter what I did he seemed to ignore me, I'd rather make my own way then thank someone who seems to have no interest in me.” 

 

“Cal, you can't say things like that.” Cullen shook his head.

 

“I'm the hero of Ferelden, I ended a blight, I'm the Warden Commander of Ferelden, who, pray tell, will stop me?” Cal glanced up from the piece he was examining.

 

Cullen sighed. “You've changed.”

 

“And you haven't? I heard of your adventures, you're not the templar I met in Ferelden, Maker, your not even a templar any more.” 

 

Cullen shrugged helplessly.

 

“You didn't answer my question, do you think there are different worlds? Like, mayb in a different time and a different place, we could've been together?” Cal was staring at him again, those hard, green eyes.

 

“You mean like reincarnation?” He frowned.

 

It was Cal's turn to shrug. “Something like that.”

 

Cullen shook his head. “I honestly don't know.”

 

Cal straightened from the war table and walked around to Cullen, determination in his eyes. “But don't you wonder, if in a twist of fate, if I had gone to you, or even Gregoire, about Jowan? If you had routed out the bloodmages, don't you wonder, if I had stayed a girl, and you had stayed at Ferelden, don't you wonder what we could've been?”

 

Cullen swallowed hard. “You were my charge, it would have been irresponsible for-”

 

Cal laughed, but it didn't reach his eyes. “Come on, Cullen, you're not that naive, I knew plenty of mages who had a twirl between the sheets with Templars, you and I wouldn't have been so different.”

 

Cullen looked down. “I wouldn't have.”

 

He could feel Cal's hardened stare, but finally he heard. “Nevermind.” A deep sigh and then. “We can only know what happened in this world, in this life. There's no point debating about the past.”

 

Cullen glances up. “I agree.”

 

Cal looks a bit sad, more sad than usual. “I just wanted you to know… I loved you Cullen, I would've done anything for you.”

 

Cullen gaped.

 

Another sigh. “But the past is the past, I'm with Zevran now, and he's amazing and kind and accepts me for who I want to be.” Cal smiled and this time it reached his eyes. 

 

“I… I loved you too, but, it never… I don't think it was meant to be.” Cullen shook his head.

 

Cal nodded, the smile draining from his face. “See you around, Cullen. Thanks for the talk.” He turned and walked to the door.

 

And Cullen tried to ignore the aching in his chest. Cal was a man, and he had a partner. This was for the best. This… had to be for the best.

**Author's Note:**

> Talk to me at tumblr  
> @nye-writes  
> Twitter  
> @nylazorslew  
> Email me prompts  
> nylazorslew@gmail.com  
> Comment?


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